Matt's Blog

I'm pleased to say that I have just completed the assessed D.of.E. expedition. It was pretty damn hard, since we were sent into the untouched and barren wildernesses of the New Forest to attempt three days of walking and difficult navigation. (Okay, so it was hardly the Siberian tundra, but speaking as a quintessentially useless suburban male, I felt I did well.) Undoubtedly the hairiest moment in my eyes was getting lost in Matley Bog. One of our checkoff points was the bog, but we had expected to see it from the safe perspective of a nice dry footpath. Instead we rushed in like the proverbial fools, hit the bog from an unexpected angle, and spent about 45 minutes struggling across unfeasibly watery terrain. The Dead Marshes-esque experience was made all the more surreal by the trees overhead and around us, growing from ground which provided (for us) all the support and consistency underfoot of badly-mixed hot chocolate. Stinking of rotting vegetation, we escaped mummification by making bridges for one another and struggling onto firmer ground. The experience was all the more irritating as we did not see any shining bog ants or unusual orchids which should have been thereabouts. Double drat!

On the plus side, we did find a staggering concentration of carnivorous sundew plants, wild ponies, birds-of-prey, historical earthworks, and occasional annoying creatures such as mosquitoes and boy scouts (the noise of these last two is equally annoying in a tent at 11pm). Judging from all the amazing things we ran into, our presentation on the habitats of the new forest should be a breeze.

Thankfully, our ability to (eventually) escape the daunting swampy scenario seemed to impress our assessors, who were not present for the event itself but doubtless heard afterwards. Our navigation was flawless for the sections on which they accompanied us, so we should pass. Woot!

As far as I know I avoided being overrun by the Forest's staggering concentration of ticks. I guess I should know within a fortnight whether I have contracted Lyme disease, as it has quite noticeable symptoms such as headaches, dementia, failure of the immune system, and possible death. This award had better buff up my CV big-time!

• estimated fifty-five kilometres of walking;
• unpredictable weather;
• and the slightly out-of-date pitta bread for lunch (oops).

But I do have various factors on my side, such as:

• Dave the legendary instructor;
• Mr T, who probably pities the foo's who can't do six-figure grid references;
• Six good mates for walking with;
• Food;
• A tent (presumed waterproof);
• KENDAL MINT CAKE (cheers for the tip, Marcus Brigstocke)

Previous expedition veterans have related gripping yarns of fields of bulls, plantations littered with bear traps, horrific instances of moving off the side of the OS map, and further tales. But I'm not too worried. After all, it is the South Downs, and we are rather unlikely to run into a big scary bear. After all, we're nowhere near Brighton.

I finally have a decent excuse to wear a gigantic broad-brimmed hat, which should be useful in keeping the sun off my face, but may also cause a minor eclipse within a three-mile radius. Given how I should be even thinner by the end of Day 3, an eventual picture of this intrepid explorer should resemble the mushroom below:

Now to start winding stuff down ready for tomorrow afternoon's start. Onwards, into the wild blue yonder!